Hair: Men, women, it’s all gross.

This post might seem random at first, but the more I write about my musings, the more coherent this blog will seem (I think? IT’S A PERSONAL WEBSITE I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT). Also, I miss writing a snarky dating column for The Hoya. This will have to do.

I once went on a date with a guy that dry heaved at the sight of a woman’s hairy legs.

It sort of made me question why somebody would literally feel sick to their stomach because of hair. Why is our society obsessed with hairlessness? How did this happen?

Why is it that head hair can be awesome and beautiful, but the moment it falls off your head it is really gross? Why do I feel like I’m “throwing away” hairs when I pick them from my shirt and send them flying out my car window, and why is it so satisfying? Why is it that when I pull a wad of discarded hair from the drain that I want to ralph? Even the image of it in my head right now…Gross.

Sometimes I think about how in 1850, women didn’t have to shave anything. Babies were somehow made during the pre-shaving and pre-deodorant era, so it couldn’t have been too gross. Maybe they didn’t know otherwise? Then for some reason—maybe because of women going sleeveless in movies or prostitutes shaving to demonstrate they did not have body lice—all women had to shave their armpits. Maybe that’s how it started, but I don’t understand why it persists. If you suggest that it’s cleaner, then why don’t men shave their armpits? For that matter, why is chest hair okay but back hair is almost always gross? Also why are mole hairs the grossest thing to happen ever? (Moley, moley, moley)

And then Nylons happened, and leg hair sticking out of hosiery is apparently not aesthetically pleasing. So women shaved then. Whenever a guy would touch my freshly-shaven legs and express his appreciation, I always felt good. Why? I feel “clean” for having shaved. Is that all advertising’s work? I’m thinking of those men’s Gillette commercials where he rubs his face, then his hot wife rubs his face, and the announcer purrs “smooth” and “clean” into our subconscious.

Then Internet porn was invented and shaving got even more out of control. Now people have preferences for what they want, and it’s not like you can measure your maintenance compatibility in a casual get-to-know-you conversation. People are adaptable for the most part, but I think there are a few extremists who make the issue something way bigger than it ever needed to be for the rest of us.

There is also the trend right now for gorgeous actors in Hollywood (i.e. Chris Pine at Golden Globes, 2014) to grow thick inch-long man hairs on their chiseled faces. Imagine if actresses did the same thing to their legs? (C’mon The Onion, that article is just begging to write itself.)

So I wonder, why is hair so gross in our culture? And not just women hair. The documentary Mansome by Morgan Spurlock covers the growing industry for male beauty products and hairlessness. Pro wrestlers have to shave everything off, maybe for looks, or maybe so their opponent doesn’t grab a fistful? Their chests look like hairless babies, which is exactly what my legs look like after a shower with Venus. (Strangely enough, a five bladed razor is a lot less scary to me than a two bladed one.) Why is the hairless baby look deemed attractive?

Why are the Duck Dynasty beards so gross to me? Do you know there are beard-growing contests through the nation? Wherever these guys go, their beards get pulled by strangers (kind of like how people always rub pregnant women’s bellies). The beards are judged for quality. But seriously, who wants to kiss that? I bet it’s like a bib for whatever doesn’t stay in their mouth. Like Gimli, in Lord of the Rings, when he chugs too much ale in one of the deleted scenes. It’s so gross and it makes me wonder how much he thoroughly cleans it (probably not at all because he’s too busy running around and making short people quips). Gross.

If this article raised more questions for you then it did provide answers, I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you. I just hoped that you wouldn’t go through life not noticing modern society’s penchant for spending ten more minutes in the shower doing something annoying when you could just stand there and enjoy the hot water run over your scalp. If guys wanted to stop shaving their faces, which I hear is really annoying, I would gladly give up my shaving duties. (Crickets, while no man agrees to trade tit for tat, even the gay ones.) But then, I might ralph at the sight of my own armpits. It’s hard to know because I’ve been completely brainwashed to fear the hair that comes out of my own body.

Whoa, that got serious fast. It’s just hair, after all.

Next upcoming book that will never get published: The Politics of Hair: Haters gonna hate.

Please comment. I wrote this during a coffee-induced insomnia episode and I can’t tell if it’s interesting or not.